Breaking from CNJ News-Riots have been breaking out in Whole Foods stores across the nation, pitting once-loyal liberal customers against right-wingers newly embracing the store for the views of its CEO, John Mackey.
More after the fold.
In Whole Foods stores from Seattle to Athens, Georgia, fights have been breaking out in the aisles between the former store-loving liberals to the newly-found customer base of conservatives that are embracing CEO John Mackey's anti-healthcare reform views.
Beret-clad hipsters have been seen throwing granola and wheat germ at flannel-shirt wearing denizens, apparently lost while trying to find Miller Lite and pork rinds.
"Ain't nothin' but some fancy pants designer beers and some kraut imports in here" complained Junior "Bubba" Samples on his first visit to the store. "But this is where I'm shopping from now on," added Bubba, as he looked wistfully at a display of organic endive.
Goatee-endowed liberals have been flocking to leave the store in search of more higher-priced designer foods, but are baffled by their lack of choice. "Where am I supposed to find a $20 organic fair-trade watermelon now?" asked Lance Whippington III. "I have money I need to spend, and if I can't find a good place for vegan pate I'm just going to cry!"
The John Deere crowd has been clashing with the latte-sipping socialist crowd throughout the day, says store manager Jason Shipley. "It's been crazy, Ford pickups have been backing into Volvos all day long," said Jason. "Someone in a NASCAR hat asked me where the 'moose' was, and I thought that he said 'mousse'....that caused a big uproar!"
Company executives have been brainstorming to attract the new customer base while not antagonizing their traditional base. One idea has been to sell fair-trade chewing tobacco. Other ideas have included promoting free-range barbeques.
"We don't know where this will lead," admits marketing executive Chet Huntley. So the question remains, "Will Whole Foods become the new destination for the Joe Sixpack and 'Sarah Palin crowd', or continue to cater to it's snobby socialist denizens?"